Warning: Sensory overload

So, i was drinking tonight, and am ultra tired, but i need to write this. This has been a month in the making.

I had another blog before this and the reason why I ended that one was due to the fact that while I write blogs to show my friends what is going on with my life and what I'm feeling, I use it to vent about the things i'm frustrated with in my life. When it comes to needing to vent about the people who tend to read my blog, then it becomes an issue with social politics, something of which i'm never fond of doing, yet do it anyway.

As my one friend has put it, I have few friends and it seems as though some don't get close to me because I have something called "Blunt honesty"... Meaning that I have an unbiased opinion of someone, as opposed to the opinion of why I hang out with said person, and on topic will say this opinion, not to demean them in anyway but to bring it to their attention. What people of course can't understand, and will never be able to, is the ability to seperate the REALITY of something with the situation, since such things will put a person in a defensive situation since it will be perceived as an attack on them rather than constructive criticism. I have this flaw too, but I'm able to fake anything, feel anything, be anything, so as much as I would want to be on the defensive if something is brought up to me in a similar situation, if put in the right context i can throw it under the rug and move on with it and just keep it in mind.

This blog right now is to bring this to attention to everyone, since I'm now officially making it known that this blog exists, not just to DMI (dundermifflininfinity) people and to officially get this shit off my chest, since it's been a month in the making.

The reason why i shut down my last blog was due to the fact that my small group of friends that i TRUST had gotten smaller in reality, even though they probably have never noticed it in reality. The sad fact is, they have a high opinion of me in some ways, but tend to underestimate me in many other things. Such as things they would assume not being noticed that are behind my back, or the assumption that they can manipulate things with me, or just the presumption of how i would react to things. I get very offended when people just automatically assume that I would object to things, or the fact that I can't handle what is considered "The truth" from them. I appreciate honesty and truth. I give it to anyone because I loathe the fact that i was brought up to show that I was something I wasn't, that i was lied to because "i couldn't handle it". I can, and i will, and other people can too, they just don't like hearing it.

The sad fact of this all is that they are the ones that supposedly know me best, and yet they still don't know me at all. And i'm sick of this. They sugarcoat things just to stay away from the "awkward" situations since them saying what they feel won't change a thing. As if their opinion of a matter wouldn't change a thing and would only bring an awkwardness between us. When if they knew me they would know that i would appreciate knowing how they feel about things rather than just have a feeling of them just being an asshole.

I actually asked a friend this weekend on one of these issues, knowing that he would actually be fucking honest with me, and i got what i wanted, and technically what i knew already, but i heard it from him. The rest of them would not give me in a million years the reasonable truth behind this. No, it isn't changing a thing, but i know where people are coming from.





I'm honestly sick of people. I want to call everyone out on all of their misfortunes of their behaviors due to the fact that I'm generally least looked to in any situation ever. I am probably the most esteemed person in their lives that they overlook the most often. Yes this sounds like an ego, but these same people have given me this ego. I have been told I am a friend they can always fall back on, a friend who is always there, a friend who looks out for others, a friend to everyone, a friend that through thick and thin will do anything. And what do I get in return? I end up getting a feeling of not wanting to stick my neck out for everyone. Not killing myself for a situation where i get nothing in return. I'm sick of being a martyr for my own right of saying "Oh you'd do the same for me" cause most of them wouldn't. A martyr of "I would want the same" because I wouldn't put myself in such a situation. A person who knows better overall.




I have so much to say and yet not enough words to say it in. Considering this is a month of thoughts thrown into one blog that is long overdue.

Overall, it comes down to this....

I don't care about burning bridges anymore, they still stay afloat when the ash hits the water.

I dont' care about crossing a line, cause it's just a perception of boundaries one overvalues.

I

Don't


Care

"you're answer is in there just stare down the barrel
you're sincerest apologies won't write you out of this one tonight
you'll find the right
in the pull of the trigger now bite"